what's keith READING?

ASK E. JEAN

*ALMOST AS GOOD AS IT GETS

DEAR E. JEAN:  I've met the man of my dreams.  He's incredibly gorgeous, and we have amazing, mind-blowing sex nightly--and usually daily as well.  He's kind, morally upstanding, open-minded, and accepting, without a cynical or jaded bone in his body.  He's a hard worker, generous (he paid my rent when I was in a car wreck and couldn't work), and is always there for my friends and family.  On top of everything, he's funny and fun to be with, and I have zero doubt he'll be nothing short of an amazing husband and father.  However, there's one problem: He's dumb.

He can hold a fairly intelligent conversation and reads good books, though how much he understands is up for debate.  My last boyfriend was supersmart, and I found him intellectually stimulating, yet he was a raging asshole with a huge ego and a penchant for screwing anything that moved (particularly 18-year-old women, even though he's 35!)  While my new boyfriend challenges me to be a better person, he doesn't challenge me intellectually the way my es did.  Should I hold out for someone wit more brains?

--Too Dense to Love

Sounds like someone I'm dating minus the "mind blowing sex". 

DENSE, DEAR MORON:  Wait.  Let Auntie Eeee get this straight: You think that a chap who's morally upstanding, open-minded, accepting, hardworking, funny, generous, uncynical, unjaded, loving to your friends, fun to be with, and pays your rent when you're in a car accident is. . . "dumb"?  And you're asking if you should "hold out" for "more brains"?

No.  What you need is a guide, Miss Dense.  Here are your 7 Rules for Picking a Smart Boyfriend:

1.  A "gorgeous" boyfriend is better than an ugly boyfriend.

2.  A "kind" boyfriend is better than a "raging asshole".

3.  A boyfriend who'll be an "amazing" father is better than a boyfriend with a "penchant for screwing" teenagers. 

4.  A boyfriend who likes life is better than a boyfriend who likes books.

5.  A boyfriend who makes you laugh is better than a boyfriend who make you cry.

6.  A boyfriend with a balanced ego is better than a boyfriend with a "huge ego".

7.  A boyfriend who bonks you nightly--and daily--with "mind blowing" mastery is. . . a genius.

Smarten up, Dense, old girl.  True love is worth all the brains in the world.

I'd also be a fool not to mention how great Selena Gomez looks in this issue of Elle.  Utter perfection.  I did not know Selena has attained so many accolades in such a short time.  Kudos to her from a new fan.