ASK E. JEAN
*ALMOST AS GOOD AS IT GETS
DEAR E. JEAN: I've met the man of my dreams. He's incredibly gorgeous, and we have amazing, mind-blowing sex nightly--and usually daily as well. He's kind, morally upstanding, open-minded, and accepting, without a cynical or jaded bone in his body. He's a hard worker, generous (he paid my rent when I was in a car wreck and couldn't work), and is always there for my friends and family. On top of everything, he's funny and fun to be with, and I have zero doubt he'll be nothing short of an amazing husband and father. However, there's one problem: He's dumb.
He can hold a fairly intelligent conversation and reads good books, though how much he understands is up for debate. My last boyfriend was supersmart, and I found him intellectually stimulating, yet he was a raging asshole with a huge ego and a penchant for screwing anything that moved (particularly 18-year-old women, even though he's 35!) While my new boyfriend challenges me to be a better person, he doesn't challenge me intellectually the way my es did. Should I hold out for someone wit more brains?
--Too Dense to Love
Sounds like someone I'm dating minus the "mind blowing sex".
DENSE, DEAR MORON: Wait. Let Auntie Eeee get this straight: You think that a chap who's morally upstanding, open-minded, accepting, hardworking, funny, generous, uncynical, unjaded, loving to your friends, fun to be with, and pays your rent when you're in a car accident is. . . "dumb"? And you're asking if you should "hold out" for "more brains"?
No. What you need is a guide, Miss Dense. Here are your 7 Rules for Picking a Smart Boyfriend:
1. A "gorgeous" boyfriend is better than an ugly boyfriend.
2. A "kind" boyfriend is better than a "raging asshole".
3. A boyfriend who'll be an "amazing" father is better than a boyfriend with a "penchant for screwing" teenagers.
4. A boyfriend who likes life is better than a boyfriend who likes books.
5. A boyfriend who makes you laugh is better than a boyfriend who make you cry.
6. A boyfriend with a balanced ego is better than a boyfriend with a "huge ego".
7. A boyfriend who bonks you nightly--and daily--with "mind blowing" mastery is. . . a genius.
Smarten up, Dense, old girl. True love is worth all the brains in the world.
I'd also be a fool not to mention how great Selena Gomez looks in this issue of Elle. Utter perfection. I did not know Selena has attained so many accolades in such a short time. Kudos to her from a new fan.